Personalizing Praise: Finding the Right Approach for Your Child

By: Alexandra Murtaugh

My cousin is coming to visit me in the coming weeks and she is seeing two of my kids play in their respective soccer games. She asked me how they’d respond if she was cheering louder than anyone else on the sidelines and I laughingly told her that our son would be absolutely mortified and our daughter would relish the moment and soak in the cheers. After thinking about how differently my kids respond to explicit verbal praise, I realized that when I tell parents and teachers to provide more positive feedback to their kids, that isn’t always a clear task. 

For one, it isn’t always evident when kids are seeking positive feedback. While younger kids will sometimes be clear in their need for affirmation, by asking things like “did I do good?” older kids and adolescents may seek connection by acting out or by getting frustrated when they’re not receiving positive feedback. Though it’s hard to discern when there might be a need for more positive communication, a good rule of thumb is to go by your own feelings. If you are experiencing more frustrated, negative, or neutral feelings toward your child or their behavior, it’s probably a good time to be intentional about praise and positive feedback. 

And second, there are an endless number of ways to offer positivity. Some people respond better to public praise, while others respond to moments of affection or one-on-one kudos. We all can get caught up in giving praise in the way we best receive it, but it is worth thinking about how each individual child best hears the message and tailoring your positivity to your child.

If I stood on the sidelines for my oldest son and shouted my praise, he wouldn’t hear the support over his own discomfort. If I gave my daughter a hug after getting a good grade, she would certainly appreciate it, but hearing me tell her uncle about her success would feel more meaningful. It can be hard in the day-to-day to think about how positive we’re being, but these micro-moments really do build over time. All our children want to feel successful, appreciated, and valued, we just have to communicate that message often and in a way they can hear.