Co-regulation & The Developing Brain

Dr. Daniel Siegel - psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and author - is known for his work exploring how the brain is shaped by relationships and experiences. With a focus on integrating the science of the brain with emotional well-being, he reminds us that kids’ behaviors are an accurate indicator of where they are in their brain; and, because kids’ brains are developing in conjunction with their experience and connections, we (the adults in their lives) are able to provide them developmentally appropriate support to help them learn skills like mindfulness and emotional regulation. 

We know that co-regulation - working together with a child to achieve a calm emotional state by way of connection and modeling - is a powerful tool for supporting escalated kids. And, to Dr. Seigel’s point, our kids are wired to look to the significant people in their lives as a guide for how to regulate their emotions. On paper it sounds simple - if I’m calm, they’ll be calm, and everyone will remain calm! 

If you’re a parent or teacher, you know that it just isn’t that simple. 

Co-regulation is hard; it can feel triggering and frustrating. But, when we can stick with it, we have the power to create calm, regulated spaces where kids feel safe to learn the emotional regulation skills that will set them up for success in the future. 

So how do we do it?

There’s no set formula for ‘easy & effective co-regulation’ - we wish there was! As we know is true, when working with kids, everyone is different, and different things work with different kids. But, we have a few tangible tips that typically support effective co-regulation.

1. Pause & breathe. This one probably feels obvious while we’re all calm & regulated. But, with a dysregulated kid, it can be extremely difficult to stay calm! Adults are humans too; but, remember: we can’t help a kid regulate if we aren’t regulated ourselves. So, take a beat before reacting! And, in these moments, we have an added opportunity to model what it looks like to calm our own nervous systems - so play it up! Maybe take a big, exaggerated breath and say “woah, I need to take a deep breath to calm my body down.” You’re regulating your own nervous system, while you teach your kiddo to do the same. 
2. Validate. Take a moment to acknowledge & validate feelings; to a kid, that simple validation can create a sense of safety, where they are able to get calm alongside you. Feeling felt opens the door for kids to release those big emotions, and regulate with you, as a safe significant person in their life.
3. Move your bodies! Movement can be so helpful in regulating the nervous system, and allowing the brain to calm. Walking side-by-side, picking up heavy objects, or stretching can all help move a kid from fight/flight/freeze, and back into the part of the brain that enables them to think and reason.
4. Make it fun! We’ve seen - or at least heard about - those moments with kids where nothing is working! Sometimes, the regulation just is not happening, and we have to get creative. Kid won’t take a deep breath? Have them blow a cotton ball off of the edge of a table or desk. Kid wants to hit his sister? Challenge him to use all his strength to push your hands down towards the floor. We can use small games or challenges to pull kids out of their brainstem, by playfully coaxing them to participate in practices that will support their emotional regulation. 

These are just a few tips we know, love, and use. Dr, Siegel shares in our advocacy for co-regulation, and has many tangible tips to offer in his books, as well! If you’re interested in more from Dr. Siegel, we recommend checking out his book The Whole Brain Child as a starting point; he offers practical and accessible insights into how parents (and teachers!) can apply neuroscience to better understand and enhance the emotional development and well-being of the kids in our lives.