Afterschool Conversations

When my oldest was in daycare and preschool, I got daily reports from his school about every aspect of his day— from how much he ate to how he behaved. I got used to knowing what happened during his days. When he became school-aged, the majority of the communication about his days had to come from him (though luckily he’s also had very communicative teachers, too). So when I was reunited with him, after school or when I picked him up from aftercare, my first inclination was to ask him questions about his day. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that that wasn’t the best way to communicate with him at the end of a long day.

Of course, every parent wants to know what happens during the times they’re not with their kids, but how we approach that time when we’re together can be extremely important. The end of the school day is a transition and transitions can be challenging times for children and adolescents. Easing that transition can mean holding back our questions and letting our kids be in that moment. We can also communicate care for their days without asking questions, but rather by making statements. For example by saying, “I hope you had a good day today. I know you were excited for gym.” If the child wants to share, this opens the door for them to share without putting the pressure on them to do so if they’re not interested or ready. We can also model sharing for them by telling them something notable about our day that might interest them.

I am definitely still guilty at times of bombarding my second grader with questions at the end of his school day. But when I see that the questions are putting an unnecessary strain on him, I remember to walk it back a bit. Each child is different, and some may respond well to questions. However, for kids who are overwhelmed by transitions, introverted, in a period of adjustment, and/or under stress, being intentional about how we bridge the transitional space between school and home can go a long way in helping feel regulated enough to communicate openly.