Thinking Before We Speak

By: Lindsey Bernhardt

As a parent, I have found myself requesting that my children think before they speak. I would insist that they pause, providing them the opportunity to really consider what they were about to say, as well as any potential consequences of those words. As a trauma specialist and school counselor however, I have learned that thinking before you speak may not always be possible for some of our kids.

Through taking in sensory input from our environment, a regulated brain typically does an excellent job in processing the world around us. However, when we are dysregulated, our brains may struggle to properly process the stimuli we're receiving. If we have experienced trauma or are under a great deal of stress, we may lack the skills required to actually pause and think before we say something. 

Research has shown that trauma can have a large impact on the prefrontal cortex region of the brain. This region is responsible for executive functioning skills, as well as impulse control. Furthermore, chronic stress alone can also have a similar effect on impulsivity that trauma does (Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2001). When a child is exposed to chronic stress or trauma, the fear response can become automatic and inhibit the ability to pause (Perry, 2000). If we are yelling at a child who has experienced trauma or is under a great deal of stress, we can unknowingly ignite the fear response in them, making it harder for them to think before they speak. This is not to say that we should give up on helping our children take the time to pause to consider the words they are about to use. It is instead to consider the possibility that for some of our kids, this skill maybe more difficult to master. 

The next time you find yourself engaging in a think-before-you-speak conversation, wait until you and your child are calm and regulated before you request they share their thoughts, concerns and feelings with you. You may find that the ability to think before you speak becomes easier for everyone after that pause. A better mantra would be "pause and breathe before you speak."