The Role of Validation in Communication

By: Alexandra Murtaugh

Recently, my two year old has started getting increasingly upset over things. He’s also speech-delayed, so sometimes when he’s upset, he doesn’t have language complex enough to explain what’s causing him frustration. I’ve started to put into words for him what he’s upset about by saying things like, “you’re frustrated because you wanted to go with your brother to soccer practice?” And what I’ve found is that often putting it into words helps him enough that I don’t need to then offer solutions. Hearing his feelings brings him down from a tantrum or meltdown.

In a similar vein, I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago about how tired I was because my infant had been up repeatedly the night before. She didn’t tell me I should sleep train my infant or give him Motrin or take a nap. She just spoke to the experience of being sleep deprived and how tough that can be. Hearing her talk didn’t make me less tired, but it did make me feel validated and less alone in my fatigue. 

There’s a time for solutions— sometimes we want solutions and strategies and suggestions— but sometimes we just want to feel heard. What I started doing for my 2 year old is not different from what my friend did for me. Creating this nonjudgmental space for the people in our lives where we hear them without fixing the problem, where we just let the feeling be without the pressure to get rid of it, creates a sense of safety that often allows the person to release some of that feeling. Maybe then they’re more open to solutions or maybe they’re not, but that validation is the precursor to any movement forward.