Shifting Perspectives: Changing Actions, Changing Outcomes

By: Lindsey Bernhardt

I often find myself reminding clients, parents, and teachers that if they continue to do the same thing repeatedly, they should expect the same results. Yet, despite understanding the concept, we often find ourselves getting stuck in a vicious cycle of going back to what we tend to do instead of trying something new.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about her son and his lack of communication. Her frustration was evident and understandable. She went on to tell me she texts, calls, and emails him, and still, no response. I went on to ask her what else she had tried. She was confused and reiterated that she’d tried texting him, calling him, and emailing him over and over again and nothing had changed. It was then that I reminded her that if she continues to do the same thing with him, expect the same results. If her past attempts to communicate with him have been unsuccessful, she should try something else. 

Now, I imagine there are parents out there thinking, he just needs to communicate or get punished. I would argue that punishment doesn’t teach him how to communicate. Rather, I would suggest meeting him where he is and figuring out how best he prefers to communicate. Maybe it means downloading Snapchat and messaging him that way. Perhaps it may take writing him a letter and putting it in the mail. Maybe it is paired with a care package or card? I suggested leaving sticky notes on his steering wheel or a note in his backpack. No matter which means of communication she attempts, the point is she would be trying something new. Then and only then, can you expect different results.