Rethinking Consequences

By: Alexandra Murtaugh

As I was driving recently, I was listening to an NPR segment about different approaches to crime and punishment. The segment interviewed someone well-versed in research on criminal intent. He said that this research indicates that harsher punishment does not have a stronger deterrent effect than lesser punishments, because in the process of committing a potentially criminal act, most people aren’t operating rationally nor are they considering various long-term outcomes.

For a lot of reasons, and this is not an apples-to-apples comparison, but it got me thinking about the function of consequences in parenting and how we actually deter negative behavior. Universally, parents want to do right by their kids. They want to raise good children— even when the definition of good varies. The common approach to parenting is to dole out consequences to deter negative behavior, but consequences are one tool, not the whole toolbox. We can’t use logic to prevent our kids from doing what we want them to do in moments when they can’t readily access the most rational parts of their brain. 

In addition to providing clear boundaries, it is important to give our kids the skills to recognize when they’re starting to lose their ability to make intentional choices. This can be done through mindfulness activities, interoception-based awareness (how our bodies feel), and by developing a shared emotional vocabulary. It’s not an easy task, and many adults still struggle with this, but the more our children practice pausing before they make decisions, the better equipped they will be to make them.