Language Around Misbehavior

By: Alexandra Murtaugh

Two Sunday mornings in a row, my husband and I took our kids for a walk. The first Sunday, our three year old cried on and off for most of the walk, refusing to get in the stroller but not willing to walk either. The second Sunday, that same three year old giggled from the stroller and didn’t want the walk to end. Most things about these two walks were the same. They were in the same location, at roughly the same time of day. But something about them was different for our three year old, which made one walk markedly different from the other. 

When people act in a way that deviates from our expectations, we make causal attributions for their behavior. For example, I could have said my son is throwing a tantrum about the stroller because he is getting sick, or he didn’t sleep well the night before. However, often when our kids’ behavior doesn’t meet our expectations, we make causal attributions that unfairly characterize our kids— especially as kids get older. It’s not uncommon for us to hear about disrespectful, or defiant, or ungrateful kids. The problem is that when we make these kinds of attributions, we move the problem from external to internal, from situational to interpersonal. When we do that, we don't position ourselves to offer support or position our kids to grow. 

I’m truly not sure why my three year old’s mood changed from one week to the next, but what I do know is that it’s not some characteristic of him that caused his behavior the first week. If I jumped to describe his behavior as being caused by his inflexibility or controlling nature, those characteristics wouldn’t have resolved in a week. It also wouldn’t help me problem solve or show empathy. The narrative we place around our kids’ behavior is a determining factor for how we respond to that behavior. I challenge you to pause in the moments where your kids’ are showing frustrating behavior and think— what attribution(s) can I offer that allows me the best opportunity to help my kid?