Carpenter vs. Gardener

In our backyard, we have a small raised bed vegetable garden. Last year, we had some success with butter lettuce and green beans. This year, our tomato plants flourished, but took over the entire garden. Looking into planning for next year, we’re going to reconfigure how we plant our vegetables, but ultimately we know that there’s still quite a bit outside of our control.

Dr. Alison Gopnik, a psychology professor, says that we often think of parenting like we are carpenters, but instead we should shift to thinking of our role more like gardeners. Carpenters have almost complete control over the outcomes of what they’re designing. They choose the wood and shape it into what it will become. Gardeners, on the other hand, can choose the environments and how they’ll support plant growth, but also accept that there are things outside of their control. In our interactions with our kids, we should approach our role more like gardeners— asking how we can create the best environments for our children to grow and thrive. We cannot make them into exactly what we envision, but we can think strategically about what they need for growth, how to address factors limiting their growth, and how we can enrich their environment.

When our tomatoes started taking over our garden this year, I didn’t lament the loss of the other vegetables, but I did think about what we could do to improve the garden next year. Releasing the sense of full control over outcomes provides the space to genuinely reflect on what we could be doing to better support growth. Accepting that our role is supportive and not controlling allows us what we need to create the most beautiful gardens.